You Don’t Need Their Nod to Know You’re Enough...

How do you stop caring what others think when you’ve spent your whole life chasing their approval? If you’ve been in therapy for years and still feel stuck, like you’re not enough unless someone else says so, you’re not alone. Rewiring your brain to know your worth, independent of others’ opinions, is tough, but you can do it. It’s about breaking old habits and building new ones, step by messy step.

Your brain got used to checking with others to feel okay. Maybe you grew up in a house where love came with strings, or you had friends who only liked you when you played small. You figured out quick that your value came from what they thought, always looking for a sign you were good enough. That’s not on you; it’s how you got by back then. But now, it’s holding you back, like you’re stuck waiting for someone to say you’re allowed to feel good about yourself. Good news though: you can change that. It’s not instant, but your brain can learn to see you differently.

Here’s the deal with your head. When you live for others’ approval, you get a little high off their praise, like a buzz that says you’re worth something. But when they don’t give it, you feel like nothing, totally empty. After a while, you’re stuck in this cycle where you only feel good if someone else says you are. To get out, you’ve gotta teach yourself to feel solid on your own, even if no one’s cheering you on. Start by catching it in real time. Next time you’re saying yes to a work thing you can’t stand, or keeping quiet at a family dinner to avoid a fight, stop. That’s your old need for approval talking, trying to keep you safe. Ask yourself, “What do I think about me here?” Not them, just you. It’s awkward at first, like you don’t even know your own voice, but that’s where it starts.

Next, act against the grain. Do one thing that doesn’t care what others think, something small. Tell a friend you can’t make their event, no excuses, just “I can’t.” Don’t apologize a million times. Or throw out an opinion in a group chat, even if it might stir things up. These little moves tell your brain, “I’m fine without their okay.” You’ll feel shaky at first, like you’re screwing up. That’s your old wiring fighting to stay in charge. Don’t run from that feeling, just sit with it. Over time, your brain starts to get that you don’t fall apart when you put yourself first.

Build on that by giving yourself props, even for the small stuff. Did you say no and mean it? That’s a win, tell yourself you did good. Did you make a choice just because it felt right to you? That’s worth a pat on the back. You’re teaching your brain to feel good about your own opinion, not theirs. It’s slow, messy work, and therapy can help point the way, but the real change happens in those tiny, daily choices. You’re not just rewiring your brain; you’re rewriting your story, one where your worth isn’t up for anyone else to decide, no matter what they think.