Owning What’s Ours...
When people carry trauma, responsibility can feel like stepping into a trap. It isn’t that they don’t know responsibility matters. It’s that the very idea of owning something stirs up old fear. If your early years taught you that mistakes equal punishment, then admitting fault doesn’t feel like growth. It feels like danger.
This shows up everywhere. In families, it might sound like the grown child who says, “If my parents hadn’t treated me that way, I wouldn’t struggle like this.” There’s some reality in that, but if that’s where the reflection ends, nothing shifts. In close relationships, it can show up when arguments turn into automatic blame, where every problem is laid at the other person’s feet. And at work, trauma survivors might swing between extremes: either never taking responsibility because it feels unsafe or over-owning everything in order to prevent conflict.
Psychologically, it’s straightforward but harsh. Trauma wires the brain for survival. Survival says: “Don’t admit weakness, don’t hand anyone ammunition, don’t expose yourself.” So, the nervous system treats responsibility as if it were danger. Shame makes it worse. People who carry the belief that something is wrong with them hear feedback as proof of that belief. Every criticism feels like evidence that they really are unworthy. The result is either denial, deflection, or collapse.
Here’s where the distinction matters. Responsibility is not the same as blame. You are not responsible for the trauma done to you. That belongs to the people who caused harm. But you are responsible for how you live now. The decision to heal, to step out of harmful patterns, to practice relating differently belongs to you.
This is often where people push back, because it ends the illusion that recovery happens on its own. No partner, friend, or therapist can drag someone through the process. Support helps, but it doesn’t replace the work of choosing how to respond today. Responsibility is the move from “I am this way because of what they did” to “I get to decide how I live now.”
It’s messy. Let’s be honest about that. You’ll try to own something in your marriage and immediately feel defensive. You’ll admit a mistake at work and spend the next three hours replaying it in your head. You’ll tell your friend you overreacted, then feel humiliated for saying it out loud. This is how the nervous system relearns safety. Responsibility isn’t a smooth process. It’s clumsy, unsettling, and sometimes makes you feel like you’ve created more problems. But refusing it guarantees the past keeps steering your present.
A common and damaging belief is that taking responsibility equals condemning yourself. “If I admit I got it wrong, it means I’m no good.” That voice is leftover from trauma. The reality is different. Responsibility is not a verdict. It’s an action. It’s saying, “I see my part, and I’m willing to adjust.” You can fall short and still have value. The act of admitting and correcting builds trust in yourself.
Think about it in relationships. The partner who avoids all responsibility creates distance. The one who carries all the blame creates resentment. Neither extreme works. The healthier path is to own what is yours without excusing what isn’t. That balance makes it possible to build trust, whether in families, friendships, or work.
If trauma handed you helplessness, responsibility hands you agency. If trauma left you feeling defective, responsibility lets you prove otherwise by what you do today. Not perfectly, not without backsliding, but step by step. It isn’t about becoming flawless. It’s about not letting the past dictate every choice.
That’s the bottom line: responsibility is not punishment. It’s freedom.
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Very informative